Situational mutism vs parts fronting

Since learning I was autistic, I looked back over my life and could see so many times I was unable to speak. I thought this was situational mutism, maybe mixed in with a trauma response sometimes, but since learning about my system, I can see some of those times were parts fronting. 

The times I would be with a friend, and they said something that wasn’t right, but I couldn’t correct them. Like pronouncing my son's name wrong or some small detail about my life, and I couldn’t physically correct them. There were other times when new friends would ask about my family, and I would shut down and not answer their questions. My partner would sometimes let me know that I looked rude, just not answering them, and I often felt shame around this. Why couldn’t I just answer? 

I assumed this was situational mutism, but now I’m not so sure about that. I recently went to my son's new school to do a school tour. The school tour was more of an event than I expected. There were heaps of people, and we had to wear a name tag, sit down and watch a presentation, and suddenly I felt like I was back at school. A place where I experienced a substantial amount of trauma in my childhood. 

We had to fill in a form before taking our seat and my mind went blank. I went to put my childhood address, instead of my current address, and I could not remember my phone number. It was embarrassing because I had to hand the form back to the teacher blank. I made a joke about having a new number and how it’s so easy to forget. I didn’t have a new number; I just could not access the information in my brain. 

Since reflecting on this, I’ve realised a younger part was fronting, and that’s why I couldn’t remember my phone number, that part didn’t know it. She showed up because we were triggered in that moment. It explains why I almost wrote down my childhood home address, instead of my current address. 

This can happen when I’m triggered or when I have parts that weren’t allowed to question or correct authority fronting. Correcting a simple mistake of my friend shouldn't feel unsafe because my friends won’t punish me for speaking up. Some of my parts were punished for speaking up. Some of them were conditioned to follow the rules of my abuse, and this was enforced harshly. 

Some differences between situational mutism and parts fronting:

As I learn more about my system, I learn more about how this life of multiplicity feels from the inside. Systems are forever learning new information about their lives as more parts open up and share their experiences. Undoing the conditioning takes time and safety. Friends, family and community who hold space for these changes become part of the healing journey. 

Mel xx